From: "Holly K. Martin" (hmartin at indiana.edu)
Subject: boyfriends/girlfriends (fwd)

This is kinda funny. At least at 8 am.
- Holly

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive: "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"; Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup; Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts; Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus: "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."; Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk; Advantages: Stays put; predictable; Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy: "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."; Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you; Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled; Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot: "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."; Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb; Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled; Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones: "Zzzzzz"; Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict; Advantages: Well rested; easy target; Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak: "Who, me?"; Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch; Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt; Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts: "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"; Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster; Advantages: Perpetually aroused; Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer: "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"; Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind; Advantages: Tells good stories; Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right: "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"; Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy; Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer; Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy: "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"; Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat; Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly; Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller: "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"; Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell; Advantages: Pays attention to you; Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly: "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."; Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy; Advantages: Predictable; Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser: "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."; Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom; Advantages: Often right; Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied: "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"; Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey; Advantages: Easily soothed; Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control: "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."; Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out; Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys; Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy: "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."; Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly; Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you; Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars: "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."; Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic; Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable; Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl: "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"; Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous; Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited; Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

I've been told this is by Matt Groening, from Life is Hell


	Fiction
Fiction L A Fake Internet Presence, since 1994 Home TidBits BLong Source GBuffy Mutt ClearSilver Python PyApache PalmOS Tools Neotonic	From: "Holly K. Martin" (hmartin at indiana.edu) Subject: boyfriends/girlfriends (fwd) This is kinda funny. At least at 8 am. - Holly The 9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!" Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite." Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you I've been told this is by Matt Groening, from Life is Hell
The "I work for a big public company" disclaimer: The views expressed on these pages are mine alone and not those of my employer. I am not now, nor have I ever been employed to speak for anyone. Well, except my own company, but that's gone now. For more information, see the Standard Disclaimer