Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

From:
Subject: Pre-Relationship Agreement

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Pre-relationship Agreement

 
         The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of
 sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the
 party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
 
 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
 (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party
 agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
 children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases,
 strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with
 anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees   
 to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and
 fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure
 to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of
 said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
 
 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person
 who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
 blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or
 "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My
 Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda
 Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse.  For
 definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or
 Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
 
 3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past
 the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following
 terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty
 (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This
 neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following
 the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
 somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty
 (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member
 may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual
 acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances
 are  the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and
 chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.  Further, if both members of the
 party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if either party
 "gets too serious"  and disregards this schedule, the other party may
 dissolve the relationship on  the grounds of "moving too fast" and may
 once again be said to be "on the market."
 
 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties
 agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends,
 weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
 expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
 "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
 forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action"
 without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
 
 5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of
 the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
 pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3)
 phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working
 day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate
 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all
 dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there
 will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an old
 girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but
 he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6)
 weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
 spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at
 least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first
 forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
 personalities.
 
 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
 aside - "we" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
 breakfasts until:
           (a) He considers her suitably impressed,
           (b) we are broke, or
           (c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
 
 Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
 which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
 at the time.
 
 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
 to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress
 to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week
 together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their
 respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will
 attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
 Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the
 morning, and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence
 at the her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink,
 and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees
 to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)
 
 8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
 of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
 of phrases like "Let's move in together,"  "Why don't we start a
 family?"  and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
 Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
 the other party's right not to meet his parents.
 
 9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
 not to use the phrase "I love you."  They may love plants, dogs, cats,
 cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not
 each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in
 the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
 
 10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
 immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
 
         (a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
         (b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that
                 same thing";
         (c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
                 member should seek "help";
         (d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
                 thinks you are..."; and
         (e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the
                 other party's refrigerator. (or lack thereof) .
 
 11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
 reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
 of the following phrases:
 
           (a) "You'll never find anybody better";
           (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
           (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
           (d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in
                    at the proper time.)
 
 12. MISCELLANEOUS:
    (a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
            notice before terminating said relationship;
    (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
            relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
    (c) at the termination of said affair:
           (1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
                   socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
                   personal undergarments with all due haste through
                   impartial intermediary;
           (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
                   hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
                   friends;
           (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for
                   a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance
                   included), and further consent to use one of the
                   following nebulous terms in the description of the
                   breakup: "The timing wasn't right";
                                    "He/She wanted more than I could give";
                                    "He/She was too involved in his/Him career";
                                    "He/She decided to go back with his/her
                                         (a) girl/boyfriend;
                                         (b) last lover;
                                         (c) hometown;
                                         (d) therapist".
 
 13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
 parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".