Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

From: Daniel X. Pape (dpape at wintermute.ncsa.uiuc.edu)
Newsgroups: uiuc.test
Subject: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

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... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Taoism

Shit happens.

If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna

Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.

She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,

she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism

Confucious say, "Shit happens".

Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Buddhism

If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.

Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Zen

What is the sound of shit happening?

7th Day Adventism

Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism

I've seen this shit happening before.

This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism

If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Calvinism

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Episcopalianism

If shit happens, hold a procession.

Lutheranism

Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Anglicanism

It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Catholicism

If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism

Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Judaism

Why does shit always happen to US?

Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism

Got any laxatives?

Islam

If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

If shit happens, take a hostage.

We don't take any shit.

Nation of Islam

Don't take no shit!

New Age

That's not shit, it's feldspar.

A firm shit does not happen to me.

This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

I create my own shit.

If shit happens, honor it and share it.

Sheeeeeeeeeeit!

Were all part of the same shit.

For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Wicca

If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses

No shit happens until Armaggedon.

There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Here, we insist you take our shit.

Shit happens door to door.

Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Secular Humanism

Shit evolves.

Darwinism

Survival of the shittiest.

Creationism

... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science

When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Our shit will take care of itself.

Shit happens in your mind.

Atheism

I don't believe this shit!

Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

No shit!

It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

Religion from an Atheist's point of view

I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism

It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

What is this shit?!

I don't know shit!

How can we KNOW if shit happens?

You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism

Let's smoke this shit!

Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism

If shit happens, shun it.

Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)

Hey, there's more shit happening over here!

Our shit is better than your shit.

Shit happens again & again & again ...

Energizer Bunny

Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Baptist

You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist

Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Iraqi Baathist

Oh shit!

Voodoo

Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Let's stick some pins in this shit!

This shit's gonna get you!

Televangelism

Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Unitarianism

What is this Shit?

We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Orthodox

St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox

Shit happens, usually in threes.

EST

I am at cause that shit will not happen.

You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism

There's no shit in the Bible.

Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step

Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish

Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.

Native Americans

Shit is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism

You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Moonies

Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism

This shit happening is good for me.

Zoroastrianism

Shit happens half the time.

Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Bahaism

Why do you keep shitting on us?

Mysticism

This is really weird shit.

Paganism

Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Rajhneesh

Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism

What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism

We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

We will make your shit happen.

Witchcraft

Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology

All this happens to be shit.

If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.

Shamanism

Whoaa...Holy Shit!

Sikhism

Leave our shit alone.

Moilanenism

Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Sureshism

You are all pieces of shit.

Branch Davidianism

May shit happen to the FBI!

If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...

David thinks he's hot shit.

Divorcism

She's full of shit!

He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.

... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Creation Science

Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Discordianism

Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.

Kibology

What's shit, and where can I get some?

Spam

Spam happens.

If Shit doesn't happen -- Spam will!

SubGenius

Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Dianetics

"Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

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SHIT HAPPENS

in other various ways

Yuppie Shit

It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer

Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

You may only shit during coffee breaks.

An Employee

I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?

This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism

Shit is biodegradable.

Political Correctness

Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens.

Heisenbergism

Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics

Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einsteinism

God does not play shit with the universe.

Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law

Relatives are Shit.

Washington

I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln

Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon

Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.

Reagan

Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle

Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton

I didn't inhale this shit.

I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....

Bush

Read my lips: no more shit!

Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.

This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.

This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.

Baker

Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam

The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least

I'm still in power.

Perot

I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthyism

Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King

Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

I have a shit...

Julius Caesar

I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

Kennedy

Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

John Paul Jones

I have not yet begun to shit.

James Tiberius Kirk

... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine

Haven't I seen this shit before...

Neil Armstrong

One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Shakespeare

To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

Computer Science

There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

UNIX

Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS

No Privilege for attempted shit.

Macintosh

(Enough said)

IBM/DOS

It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows

The same shit as DOS, only GUIer...

Cray

If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer...

C

It's shit, but it's efficient.

Fortran

It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol

It's shit, but it's job security.

BASIC

It's shit.

Communism

It's everybody's shit.

Marxism

The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.

Dictatorship of the shit.

Socialism

The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism

Shit happens, and it'll cost you!

If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Americanism

Who gives a shit?

Materialism

Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Cannibalism

Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism

If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Hedonism

There's nothing quite like a good shit.

Existentialism

Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

Shit happening is absurd.

Realism

I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism

What shit?

Purism

If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism

I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism

With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism

I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism

Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism

Fish.

Nihilism

Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism

I love it when shit happens.

Masochism

Do shit to ME.

Sadism

I will shit on you!

Dyslexia

Tihs happens.

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SHIT HAPPENS

according to the Philospohers

Thales

Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus

If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates

What is shit? Why is shit?

Aristotle

The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes

Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?

Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes

I think, so why am I in this shit?

I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire)

The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau

I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre

Shit is meaningless!

What is shit, anyway?

Freudianism

Shit is a phallic symbol.

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SHIT HAPPENS

in various professions

Mathematician

Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician

There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical)

Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental)

To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer

I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist

I hope this shit doesn't blow up.

Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Damn this shit smells...

Biologist

Is this shit alive?

Botanist

What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist

I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat

I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO

(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.

(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!

Lawyer

For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor

Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist

Hold still or it will hurt like shit.

Let all that shit go.

This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon

Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist

Shit is in your mind.

Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer

It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist

Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian

The same shit happens again and again.

Politician

It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

If you elect me, shit will never again happen.

Shit happening is bad for the economy.

My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

A shit in every pot!

Read my lips! No new shit!

Do you think they will believe this shit?

Waitress

You want fries with that shit?

Teacher

Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =?

Dean

Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant

Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist

What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.

(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)

Quality Control Inspector

This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor

I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer

I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader

Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss

Rub the little shits out.

NYC Cab Driver

Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic

Shit...this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef

It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician

This shit is out of tune.

Artist

If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.

Shit, I wish I thought of that.

Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet

My childhood was shit, let me share.

Ode to a Grecian Shit.

My love is like a red, red shit.

... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

programmers.

---

SHIT HAPPENS

to your pets

Dog

All I do is eat, sleep and shit.

I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.

When I catch a car, it will shit!

Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat

Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?

Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.

Dogs are shit.

I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish

All I do is eat, swim and shit.

Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake

If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

---

THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

for Sanitation Engineers

0th:            There is shit.
1st:            You can't get rid of it.
2nd:            It gets deeper.
3rd:            A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.