Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

From: adam at cs.caltech.edu (I Find Karma)
Subject: How cold is it? An annotated thermometer...

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This MUST have been written by a patriotic Canadian...

HOW COLD IS IT?

An annotated thermometer

(degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius)

+50 / +10
  * New York tenants turn on the heat
  * Wisconsinites plant gardens

+40 / +4
  * Californians shiver uncontrollably
  * Canadians sunbathe

+35 / +2
  * Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0
  * Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1
  * You can see your breath
  * You plan a vacation in Florida
  * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
  * Wisconsinites eat ice cream

+25 / -4
  * Boston water freezes
  * Californians weep pitiably
  * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7
  * Cleveland water freezes
  * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
  * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10
  * You plan a vacation in Acapulco
  * Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
  * Wisconsinites go swimming

+10 / -12
  * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
  * Too cold to snow
  * You need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18
  * New York landlords turn on the heat
  * Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21
  * You can hear your breath
  * You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23
  * American cars don't start
  * Too cold to skate

-15 / -26
  * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
  * Miamians cease to exist
  * Canadians lick flagpoles

-20 / -29
  * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
  * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
  * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25 / -32
  * Too cold to kiss
  * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
  * Japanese cars don't start
  * Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34
  * You plan a two-week hot bath
  * Pilsener freezes
  * Bock beer production begins
  * Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39
  * Mercury freezes
  * Too cold to think
  * Canadians button top button

-40 / -40
  * Californians disappear
  * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
  * Wisconsinites put on sweaters

-50 / -46
  * Congressional hot air freezes
  * Alaskans close the bathroom window
  * Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51
  * Walruses abandon Aleutians
  * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
  * Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens
  * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57
  * Glaciers in Central Park
  * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
  * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62
  * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
  * Rhinelander Birkebeiner
  * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68
  * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
  * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
  * Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100 / -73
  * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
  * Canadians pull down earflaps

-173 / -114
  * Ethyl alcohol freezes
  * Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans

-297 / -183
  * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
  * Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265
  * Superconductivity

-452 / -269
  * Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270
  * Hell freezes over

-456 /-271
  * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458 / -272
  * Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
  * All atomic motion ceases
  * Canadians allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy.