Fiction L
A Fake Internet Presence,
since 1994

From comp.programming.  Original source unknown.

(This will not be on the exam.)
Prof. Fuchs


   	THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy
reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
themselves in such a dilemma.


	           TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot. 

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because
you have no exception-handling capability.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load
the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When
you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong
type.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds...

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how
to do it in fewer characters.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.

UNIX:   (The way most UNIX hackers shoot themselves in the foot.)
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your
foot comes back deep-fried.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all
your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty
little bullet-thingies are for.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.



          	A GUIDE TO OPERATING SYSTEMS.

            	TASK: Go to the Store 


MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put
your keys.

Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Macintosh System 7:  You get in the car to go to the store,
and the car drives you to church.

UNIX:  You get in the car and type 'grep store'.  After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the
barber shop.

Windows NT:  You get in the car and write a letter that says
"go to the store."  Then you get out of the car and mail
the letter to your dashboard.

Taligent/Pink:  You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban,
who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you
to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:  After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a
marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up.

S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]:  You get in the car and drive to
the store.  Halfway there you run out of gas.  While
walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids
on mopeds.

AS/400:  An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you
to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy
filet mignons.